Catholic guilt is the worst kind...
I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. Logic tells me it's "new mother guilt" and I know it's normal, but I still feel guilty. You see, I am going back to work soon (early 2007) and Bubba is going into full-time care. Finding full-time daycare is a very streesful event and I didn't actually think it was going to happen. One mom at our Mom & Tots swim class exclaimed that she had "put her son on every waiting list possible when she was three months pregant". Great...I'm never going to find daycare...or so I thought.
Last week it all came together. I found two within 15 minutes of my husband's office (he will be the primary picker-upper and dropper-offer as I have a unpredictable schedule). Then a day after finding those two, I got a call from one whose waiting list we were on which is 3 minutes from C's office. It's clean, we like the location and if the teachers pan out that we meet next week, then I will give them our money. So it looks like Bubba has care...I should be happy right?
So why do I feel so damn guilty??? I would love to be staying at home with him, but we're not in a position right now for that. I left the daycare last night with a great impression but I still felt guilt about having to leave him there - no Mommy or Daddy sightings for an entire day. Will he be ok? How will this affect him long-term? The feeling of almost despair similar to the one when we left him for the first night with the foster family and had to come back home, snuck back in.
I feel guilty that we have to put in full-time daycare. I feel guilty that I am going to have to work. I feel guilty that we will have less time together. I feel guilty (and a bit jealous) that I won't be able to drop him off and pick him up. I feel guilty because maybe I haven't done enough stuff with him the past 8 1/2 months. Should I have put him in more programs? Should I have been more diligent about saving and stayed off longer or forever. Should I have blogged while he played quietly on the floor...what kind of mother does that!!! These types of things keep me awake at night (besides Bubba).
So, thank you to my mother for instilling that wonderful Catholic guilt! Am I normal??? On second thought, don't anser that.
posted by Mary @ 11:03 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I am going to answer that! YES! You are utterly and completely normal. Mommy Guilt is a normal part of parenting. Now, what you do about it and how you cope with it is the key to making sure you don't max out your guilt-o-meter.
And yeah, Catholic guilt can be debilitating, but what I've seen is that Mommy Guilt is truly non-denominational and spills into all faith communities. ; )
Have faith that having mommy guilt is normal and faith that once your routine is established with work and the childcare situation, you may not have as much mommy guilt because you will see how you and your family respond to the new situation. And you know what? It might not be so terrible. And if you find out it is terrible, then you can circumvent that situation by considering a "Plan B". Sometimes if we have a secondary plan in place, that also helps to tame the mommy guilt.
Maybe you could focus on making the time you do have with each other a special time and then you might feel better about having to go back to work. There are some moms who stay home, but never spend any quality time with their kids.
I'm Irish Catholic. I know from guilt.
Of course you'd rather be home with him. But I know a lot of people that credit their day care for much of their child's development. They learn socialization and they're given incentive for motor skills.
If I had a baby, I'd want to stay home, too. But Bubba will be fine. In fact, in time he'll probably thrive.
Haven't seen you for a while! I know about the child care guilt thing. I've been looking into pre-schools and I feel guilty already and I don't even have our children yet.
From one guilty Catholic to another -
I share these thoughts with you because you are now where I was 10 years ago; and I have regrets. Totally unprepared I was for the effect that parenthood would have on me. I had only one plan – have a professional career and be a Mother. Growing up as I did in the age of feminism taught me only that I could do and have it all. Despite having a mother that was “at home”, I never really considered the choices I would have to make.
I never once thought it all through or considered other options before becoming a mother. Instead I ignored what my gut was telling me for a long time. I struggled and took “baby steps” over many years to make the changes my life needed to find a good balance between my responsibilities as a Mom and everything else.
This summer I read a terrific book called Sequencing that I hope you will consider reading. Oh how I wish that I had found it ten years ago! The book is twenty years old, but rang true for me as if it was written for me…only I didn’t find it in time! It may have saved me a great deal of heartache and regret that my children and I missed out on a once in a lifetime chance.
The basic point the book makes is that you really can have it all – just not all at once. Every “gut feeling” that I initially ignored and every decision I eventually made was covered in this book! Only in the last couple of years have I really found what I believe to be the best solution for my children (and me).
I bought and read the book simply to try to better understand the feelings associated with this crazy parent-track I’ve been on and the drastic career and personal changes I’ve made over the years – all in the name of Motherhood. Your recent post reminded me of me - with the same guilt.
Please don't take offense to what I post here. I am just an anonymous lurker that enjoy's your blog. Read the book - and find a way to find the right balance. You really can work differently; creatively; by trial and error...and not feel guilt...you just have to find the right balance...you'll know it when you find it, because the guilt will be gone.
I know how you feel. After 13 years of infertility I didn't want to miss a second with my precious daughter after the adoption. I had already missed the first 6 weeks of her life and then - off to work. I seriously get teary eyed now thinking about it but I am resigned to the fact that dropping her off at her sitter is like sending her to school. I call it pre-pre-school. We do love our babysitter and she is so great with her. Our daughter is learning so much by being with other children, being with someone other than their parents who are an authority figure, she learns to get along with others, she hears music, does dancing, plays games, etc.
We are parents to develope our children into young mature adults who will have families of their own and I think it's selfish of me to deny her one ounce of learning. (don't get me wrong, if I could afford it I'd be selfish and stay home) but, I know she is learning and growing healthy in the environment she is in.
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